The Best Sandwich

It's been a bit heavy round here of late, so let us lighten the tone. I think sandwiches are the greatest food on Earth. Whether it's a simple snack, or a meal in itself, a good sandwich is a beautiful thing. A bad sandwich, conversely, is an oral horror.

So, here is how to make my best sandwich. It may not be your best sandwich, but it's good. It's so damn good. I had to share it. 

YOU WILL NEED

Steak. Some form of salad leaf - I use baby leaf salad bags. Mayonnaise. Dijon mustard. Ketchup. Garlic. Ciabatta (or other bread roll).

So, steak. That covers a variety of meat. I usually get rump, because it's cheap and comes in relatively small piece, but you might be rich and therefore can buy sirloin or rib eye or...fillet. Pure greed ordains the amount of steak you will use. Don't get a really fatty piece - get a piece where you're left with enough steak once you've trimmed the fat off. Fat on steak is simply NOT NICE when cooked quickly. 

Take your steak out of the packaging, trim it of big fat lumps, put it on a chopping board and SMACK IT with a rolling pin until it's of reasonable thinness. You are going to eat this between bread slices; you need to be able to get it in your mouth. 

Once your steak is thin. put your pan on the heat and let it get good and hot with a bit of oil in it. Some people oil the steak rather than the pan, but I am not one of those people. Crush a clove of garlic.

While the pan gets hot, plop a couple of tablespoons of mayonnaise into a bowl, add a big teaspoon or two of mustard and mix it well. Adjust the ratio of mayo to mustard according to taste. If you don't like mustard, use French's American mustard, which doesn't really taste like mustard but does add the requisite tang without burning your mouth out. 

Put the steak in the nicely hot pan, with the crushed garlic. I like my steak bloody as hell, so I don't cook it for long, but because the steak has been pounded thin, it doesn't take long anyway. Turn your steak regularly by the way: shun these people who reckon you should leave it on one side for a month to 'seal in' the flavour. They are lying, that is not how science works. I flip my steak every minute or so and it's perfect. PERFECT. Watch the garlic doesn't burn - flick it about a bit with the steak. 

Slice your bread in half while the steak cooks. 

When you think your steak is done, take it out, cut into it and have a look. If it's underdone, put it back in. If it's overdone, you must lump it. 

Take your slices of bread and wipe the cut sides around the pan. Garlicky steaky oil is a much better lubricant than butter. Now you are ready for assembly.

Spread mustard-mayo on the bottom piece of bread. Add salad. Add steak. Add ketchup. Add more mustard-mayo. Add top piece of bread. Squish it down a bit. The best sandwiches are always squished.

And then you can feast. AND HOW!

IF YOU ARE A VEGETARIAN

Swap the steak for sliced flat mushrooms. Fry them in loads of butter and garlic until they're thoroughly cooked, then use as THOUGH THEY WERE STEAK PIECES in the sandwich. This may actually be better than the steak version. It's probably mildly healthier.