4 Feb 2012

Oh woe, I'm on a course! Me! On a COURSE!

Why is this course starting freaking me out so much?

I applied to do it six months ago, was accepted four months ago and have been going on the website almost daily since I got my login details to stare longingly at the screen.
And now it's here, my entire being is screaming "AAAARRRGHHH".

I have found, since the disastrous end of my marriage sixteen months ago, that I have commitment issues. And I think that's my chief problem. I have now committed myself to nine months of work, with almost monthly assessments. I can't back out. It is a test of my skills, it is a test of my dedication and it's the first challenge I've faced since giving birth and moving house. It's a challenge I have given myself, it's not been forced on me by circumstance. I made this choice. Now I have to go through with it.

I have fallen into a happy stasis, of looking after my kids and bumming around. But that isn't what I want to do with my life. This isn't who I want to be.

It's not going to be easy. I never expected it to be easy. I also never expected to have such a very awful January that has cast something of a pall over everything else. January is over, life is getting sorted out, normal service is resumed. It's the perfect time for a subtle shift in routine. Instead of spending the evenings watching Heston Blumenthal do insane things with cheese, I shall be reading. Instead of falling into a relieved stupor when my ex, or his parents take the kids out, I shall be doing essays. And I shall make time for life, but I'll have to be disciplined about keeping up to date with learning.

After all, as one of my sisters pointed out, I have time to blog about having no time. Thus, I have time. I need to put my big girl pants on and get on with it.

No comments:

Post a Comment